Pulchritudinous

I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it....

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 07:38:08 GMT

I want a puppy! There is one available, my landlord just needs to say yes! Im sending out good vibes for the yes! Send them out for me! Give Amber a pupy!!

Yes, I am aware that this seems a little childish, I just want to get started on my life and I want a puppy.

Remember, good vibes....

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:12:11 GMT

I am so sorry livejournal that i have forgotten you. My lack of writing usually means that my life is uneventful but in this case.. its more i dont feel like whining anymore. I do miss reading about my friends though. Hope everyone is well in livejournal land.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sun, 18 May 2008 23:18:52 GMT

Thats right, Im writing in my fucking blog and its in response to you. You hate me now because i tried to help you? Because i commented on the fact that you let yourself get stoned out of your tree too often? Or that I think its ridiculous that instead of dealing with the issues you have to face you are going to starve yourself into nothingness and make us all watch you slowly destroy yourself? Dont you realize that killing yourself hurts those around you more than it hurts yourself? I only comment and question because I care and for that you storm off and leave us all without saying bye? All because I care? You fucked off to the other side of the country and left your home, your life, you job and the people who care about you behind all to go on a two week drug bender that made you come back looking like an emaciated ethiopian child.

I tell you that you are too skinny and you lose it on me. It is NOT my fault that you have decided anorexia is a method of expression. I found you 2 jobs and a place to live when you came home. I care enough about you to not let you throw your life away and for that i get shit. I get an angry version of you where I am the bad guy for caring. That is what friends do FYI. They care about you and try to help you through the hard times. You KNOW that you are too skinny. You have commented on it but you dont choose to do anything about it.

So in place of me who YOU call your mom away from home because you know that I care enough to help you unconditionally like a mother would I am going to give you what you want... nothing.

I realize that this is very dramatic and very juvenile and very be-all-end-all but that is how i feel right now. I am so angry that I dont even know how to work what i want to say to you so in order to keep myself from bursting I am writing in an online journal because i know that no one is going to read it.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:23:34 GMT

Do you ever randomly search people online? I do all the time, just to see what is going on out there in the world. Well, I dont know if it is because I am flagged as being a female on here or something BUT everywhere I go, every site i view it seems to be some sad girl stuck in her lonely world talking about how much she eats in the day and then how often she throws up to be just as skinny as this little twinky friend she has, or her abnormally thin boyfriend whom she just CANT be fatter than. Seriously. What the fuck.

I had food today. Substancial enough to give me a breakfast and a lunch and I am very excited at the concept of dinner. I enjoy, scratch that, love cooking and I like to feed other people as well. Im happy about that.

Stop throwing up people, its fucked up. Sick people throw up.. need I say more?

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 00:51:03 GMT

Does anyone know any way to go about finding direction in your life? Why is it that some people know what they want to do from the day there were born and other people spend their whole lives trying to decide what to be? The problem with me is that (and not to toot my own horn) but i am pretty good at everything. I have a little bit of knowledge in a lot of things BUT I dont excell at anything? So you try deciding what to do with your life when you dont know what you are really good at!
Not to mention, i have so many dreams and ideas for what i want to do in my life but i cant seem to get a grasp on any one thing...

I need someone to just tell me what to do with my life.

Its been too long..

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 01:15:34 GMT

You know, as per usual I am writing in here because I am sad.

I dont like distance. I dont like annoyance. I dont like feeling like I am the problem.

Unfortunatly I know that I am all of these things, or at least the cause of.

I dont like money being an issue. I feel that when money is involved in a relationship it almost always causes problems. Not that any one person is spending all their money, its just that there isnt enough for what we want to do.

I am so excited for the future that I am scared I am killing the present and that the future wont happen.

I guess what I really need to do is take a step back and give some space before I lose the person who is most important to me.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 10:59:18 GMT

I feel sick. I think Im going to puke and I really dont know what to do. Im SOOO upset right now but I dont even know how to go about saying it. Sex and then buggering off? I feel like a toy, something to play with and then you use me and go and sleep somewhere else.. no no, wait, you go on your computer first and THEN you go and sleep somewhere else... i am so angry right now but more than anything I feel hurt. I really dont know what to do about this......

Trying not to spiral...

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 07:55:26 GMT

-There is an impending termination that is somewhat agreed upon, but I dont want it.
-I love you yet feel the weight of that love in fear of not being enough.
-Do I go or dont i? I dont want to do it just for you because that would be too much. I have other reasons for why i want to, you are just the biggest one and I think that would make it a mistake.
-Will you leave me for another love?
-I need time, yet I fear time- what if that is the stake?

Someone stop me, I am dizzy...

Why?

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:57:19 GMT

Why do I do and say things that are inappropriate? Or that I know are going to have some kind of a backlash? What is it about my brain that feels the need to hurt people by the terrible lashings that come out of my mouth? I am happy right now but for some reason I cant seem to be sufficed with that... No instead I seem determined to end anything and everything good that is going on in my life.

I have alienated my roomate, not out of intent but some how it has just happened. Im just always so tired so I spend the majority of my time in my room. I think I might be going through another mild depressive spell. Hmm. He is going through a lot of his own troubles and yet I cant bring myself to help him because although I care about his mental well being I dont know that I have the energy to tell him everything is going to be alright.

I am also putting so much pressure on the person I love. Why? I dont know. I am asking questions I dont really want the answers to and I am prying information out of them and I am battering them with the thoughts that are in my head even if I think they are totally absurd and unfounded. I dont know how to make it stop!

If I werent so afraid of being alone ( as we humans seem eternally doomed to be) I would just go away for a while. Leave this all behind in order to give myself some time to think everything through. Things like.. what do I want? Where do I want to go with my life? Where do I want to live? Am I going to go to school again? I am taking a year off to figure shit out, but is that going to be enough? I dont know.

There is so much pressure and all I want is to be happy....

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:36:30 GMT

I dont like being alone. Gives me time to think.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 08:25:28 GMT

I dont understand the logic behind some peoples thought patterns. How can you not see that it was wrong? How can you not see that it was a punishable mistake? I just dont get it. Not to mention I know what it is like to be in the position and you know what.. you move on, that is how you get further...

GOD DAMN I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW I CANT EVEN BELIEVE IT. In all of this I turn out to be the asshole? I dont think so.....

Fucking hell.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 22:53:43 GMT

Something feels awry.

I think I am losing someone I love. Too much too soon?

I think I am losing a friendship with a roomate due to anger and inabilities on both our parts to talk it out.

I think I am losing my mind.

I think I am losing the capability to go to my job every day.

I think I am losing touch with my family too much, I actually snapped at my mother this morning.

I think I am losing faith in myself and others.

But aside from all that losing, I feel that I am giving up.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 06:04:20 GMT

There is something so enchanting about making your life into something that you want, at the same time that liberating act can make your life a little harder and stressful than you wanted initially.

I am really happy, dont get me wrong. I will never write on here what is going on because there are some things that prying eyes shouldnt read.

I am contemplating my future and the actions I must take to get where I want to go. It is coming, slowly but surely. Drastic life changes tend to have an effect on what you want in the end and what I want now is so much different than what i wanted a year ago.

I think I am going to be moving to Kelowna. Going to school at UBC-O, living with a really good friend and getting a puppy. At the moment these are my life goals. I think they are rather simple, but I hope that they continue to make me happy.

Hmm, I seem to have lost my train of thought so I am going to go now and I will write more in the future.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 19:52:43 GMT

Once again I am happy. My life has changed so drastically into something I hardly recognize but somehow it is making me happy. Christmas was lonely and hurtful (as I am sure you read). New Years was fun, full and somehow a little boring but it was good to spend some time with friends. I am back at work and Ive got to tell you I wish so badly that I had just one more week off and then I think I would have been fine to work.

Last night was Louise's 21st birthday. It was fun. She got all kinds of cool gadgets for her birthday. A pink item ;) some penis mints (which taste like mouth wash) a lot of penis things actually. A lighter, a necklace and a straw all shaped rather phallic.

It was good. We were at the pub until around midnight and then me, being the only sober one (Louise being totally trashed) drove Simone and Keelan to Kelowna on icy roads at 1230 at night and then BACK as well. Hmmm smart? Probably not. But at that point I HAD had about 8 cups of coffee. So I wouldnt have been going to sleep right away anyways.

So yeah.. then I got home and drunky crashed at my place and I made sure she vomitted in the right direction...;)

In the Christmas Spirit

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 23:24:09 GMT

Christmas can be the loneliest time of the year if you make it that way. In a sense I suppose I chose to spend Christmas alone. I broke up with my boyfriend whos family I was originally going to spend it with. I am sitting here in my dark house feeling bad for myself knowing that there is plenty I could be doing.

Why is it that when your family isnt around Christmas just doesnt seem worth it?

Oh well, tomorrow I am going to have an extended family Christmas. My roomate and best friend are going to be here as well as some other friends. I think perhaps that will take the sting out of the loneliness.

I can only hope because this saddness has huge pressure and I think I am going to crack.

Merry Christmas everyone.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 05:37:56 GMT

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...

I am a screw up.. I have screwed up and I make everyone around me miserable. I am sorry for over reacting, I just miss you and there is so much going on and I just wanted to spend time with you to figure this all out..

I miss you

I miss everything...

FUCK!!!!

This is me..

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 05:46:35 GMT

This is me writing my feelings, because I cant seem to express them any other way.

I am so fucking infuriated right now, and not without reason.

My whole life seems to have turned to shit in a matter of 4 days.

I am so stressed out that my back has started to cramp into immense pain and my stomach is turning into knots of fury.

My boyfriend doesnt trust the words that come out of my mouth because I lied. Which in a sense is valid. I dont like liars either, but I didnt do it for the reasons he thinks. I did it as a method of protection and out of fear.

My friend (another one) has admitted life altering things to me that make me want to break down and cry because there is ntohing I can do for her. She hurts herself because of the pain this information causes her and there is nothing I can do. I dont like sitting idly by while people hurt themselves.

Mostly I just feel.. incapable. I dont know how to live life and be happy, or make other people happy for that matter.

I just feel like a failure at everything I do.

Why does anyone want to be around me? I destroy EVERYTHING I touch....

I cant do this.. I just.. I cant survive

Lots of news!

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 19:12:20 GMT

For once in my life I have things to report that are not all negative! Woah. Weird I know.

I have dropped one of my classes, which alleviates some of the mounting stress. My boyfriend is back from his 2 months away at work which makes me very happy.

Now, the BEST news of all is that my best friend of more than 13 years had her first child yesterday! Born at 940 pm on Tuesday October 31 2006. A little baby boy 7 pounds 10 ounces. I get to go and visit her later today (provided that my boyfriend and his dad get finished their little project they have got going on right now, which just happens to be installing a revolving TV in a wall... Im thinking it might be a while)

Life is going pretty good otherwise.

I am curious to know how caileans birthday went though. I want to make sure the guy is still alive and breathing and that nothing went wrong with his weekend of partying.

That is all for now though.

Adios amigos.

Where have you gone?

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 05:47:53 GMT

Ben is MIA... where have you gone?

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 04:40:20 GMT

Time for a convenient rant.

I am so tired and worn out of life right now. I hate be a typical north american depressed youth. I mean, Im not a teenager but at the age people are living to these days I will gladly call myself a youth.

Im pissed off at my father for oh-so-many things that he has done in my life and to those in my family.

I am struggling stupendously with school. I cant work full time and do four classes. Social science classes no less! I am bending and about ready to break under the pressure.

Work is a pain in the ass because I have to be and authority firgure when most of the time I just want to fuck off and do shit all like everyone else!

I am PMSing and I miss my boyfriend like crazy. It has been 8 weeks as of the 10th and that is the longest I have gone without seeing him since I have been with him.

Im just feeling like life is coming a little crashing down on me these days.

Now I get to go and subject myself to the pain and horror of staying up all night writing an essay that is due tomorrow that I probably should have done weeks ago but because of work and some serious procrastination I have neglected to finish.

So I am gong to go now. I am going to walk across the street and spend my last 2 dollars on a really hot coffe that I am more than likely going to hate because I dont drink coffee. I am going to take a warm shower so that I can wake up and then I am going to get down to business and write an 8 page essay on 4 different sub topics. If anyone feels inclined to with me luck or inform me of my personal stupidity, please, feel welcome. Any interactions with real live humans is encouraged.

Thank you, and goodnight.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 16:19:51 GMT

I can honestly say that I think this is the first time I have been jelous in a while. I think I am going to cry.

The last couple of days have been crap. Total and utter crap.

Im so sad all the time. And I dont know why.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 06:25:33 GMT

So its been a while since i wrote anything. This tends to be the beginning of most of my posts. I didnt even look at when i wrote my last one. So here are some recent things you all should know about me:

1. I am 21 now! Yee haw! Legal everywhere! (Crazy Americans and their late drinking age... no offense Ben)

2. Still with my wonderful boyfriend who I love to pieces.

3. Job is still going strong, if a little stressful at times. Got a promotion, pay raise and a whole lotta responsabilities with it...

4. School is starting up again soon. Bleh. I am excited, but not looking forward to the walk.

5. My two best friends from highschool are coming to stay with me this weekend. It is going to be pretty fun! I havent seen T in over a year and I just saw C a few months ago. But not really. So it will be good to see some old friends.

That is pretty well it right now. That and I dont want to write anymore.
So, adios!

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 06:33:43 GMT

Time for another typical amber rant. I am so upset right now, and I really dont know what to do about it.

I know I cant have everyone like me, but i dont like it when people dont like me for some reason. Especially one that I dont know.

Im sitting here, in my house, all alone with 3 more beer from my six pack. (Which for me is a lot of beer because like.. 1 gets me tipsy.)

I think Im going to go and drink myself stupid and forget about life for a while.

The day of the devil?

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:03:42 GMT

I say that it is bull. No devil day. Just another day where ideally the cosmos will align and everything will go just right.

You see, today my boyfriend comes back after being gone for 6 weeks. Now that is a long time! I get to see him for a week this time and then he might be gone for 3 months. Now, I put this question to you. What would you do? Love is a fickle thing. When you love/care about someone a lot you are willing to put your own feelings on the line a lot of the time. Yet you have to ask yourself if the hurt is worth it.

Someone tell me something.

cantwejustexist@hotmail.com — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 01:53:24 GMT

Why is it that men have to be so confusing.

I am seeing this guy who I realllly like and he always pumps out these things that make me like him more and then there is that one thing every so often that makes me hurt. He doesnt mean it to hurt but it does. The thing is that you know that feeling, where you are almost scared that you are falling in love. I dont know if I am. But I want to. I like that feeling. I like knowing that there is someone out there that I think is worth living for. Someone that I want to spend my time with and spend my life trying to make them happy. At the same time, knowing that I might be falling in love scares me to death because that means that I am vulnerable. Not to mention, am I really? Is this not just the butterflies?

Dear god! Why does everything always happen at once? There is no way for things to just happen is their? Everything happens at the same time. School is ending, starting a second job, taking time off for 2 weddings, falling in love, losing a roomate, a baby in the life, there is so much (ps, baby is not mine).

Anyways, done with my rant for the evening.