Log in

22 February 2016 @ 09:42 pm
Who would have thought that being hit by a car would spiral me in to some ridiculous form of depression. What have i become? I lost something a long time ago and it seems like every other thing that happens takes another chunk out of me and I'm starting to feel like there isn't a lot left.
The big problem with this is, if i were to disappear, would anyone notice?
10 May 2015 @ 11:20 pm
Last night I had an exquisite dream of this fantastic tent. A tent? Yes a tent.

In my dream there was this giant red billowing tent, the entry flaps of which were fastened with ties. The rest of the tent gently swaying in a dance with the breeze.

I never entered the tent which feels like it is of some level of significance. The tent wasn't mine to enter but just to view. From the entrance I could see the the far back wall had been cut out in a beautiful landscape silhouette and a part of that landscape a cutout of a lone floating hot air balloon. I could see the moutains and a vineyard through the cutout their beauty matched only by the feeling of this tent.

To the left of the tent was a tree, a great oak standing tall and fierce. A symbol of strength and life and equally as beautiful as the tent.

It is in this moment that I notice I am standing with my ex girlfriend and I am walking past the tent speaking with her. I am walking her to her marriage and I am happy for her. Only the tiniest pang of sadness enters me and the rest is a swelling happiness amd hope for a wonderful future.

This is the second dream i have had of getting her to her wedding in the last few months. Both were in an amicable tone with a slight pang of sadness at the loss of our friendship. In the first dream the colour green was strongly featured and in the second red was strongly featured.

Meaning of green in a dream: health, growth, healing, caring and mental stimulation.
Meaning of red in a dream: activation, physicality,passion and intensity. It is a dormant fire of something waiting to be awakened.
Meaning of the tent: to go ahead with a decision in life and leave behind the shaky foundation of my current life. Throw away my shackles and get out in the world.
Meaning of the hot air balloon: rising above and being the bigger, better person. Looking at life from a positive confident way.

Ok universe/brain. I accept your challenge. That tent is to incredible and significant to ignor. I choose to find my happiness.
31 December 2014 @ 07:47 am
What to do with this one?
Do I venture outside of the comfort zone i have created for myself? Leave behind my protective bubble that leaves me safe but bored?
Or do i still need more time to heal?
It's getting pretty lonely in here, I may just have to venture outside...
09 November 2014 @ 09:07 am
The curse of aging is always thinking of the past and how it made you feel.

Loneliness is a bitch and although it comes in waves at times those waves can be crushing.

Trust is hard to find after so many instances of betrayal. Betrayal of mind, heart and body. Fuck you very much for that by the way.

Emotional clichés coming at you live from my brain.

There is a certain level of happiness you feel for the happy people around you and then the rest of your brain is consumed by questioning your worth and what it is about you that people aren't attracted to. It is always "you" by the way.

For now i will drive away thoughts of sadness by immersing myself in a concert from 10 years ago. 19 years old, full of life and potential. Happy. A time before weakness of character took control of my decisions.

Youngblood brass band, take me away from today to another time.
18 August 2014 @ 10:57 pm
I'm feeling old today. Responsibility and the realities of growing up keeps kicking me in the ass.

My idol of strength, my grandma, died the other day. The world doesn't seem right without her in it. She was honestly one of the strongest women I've ever known. Her life was unnecessarily hard and it was more or less all caused by one person.

I go to make a phone call and she's at the top of my favorites and I think-did I call her enough? Did she know how much respect I have for her? How much admiration? Did I tell her I loved her enough?

I don't like this growing up thing. Can I go back to bed?
14 August 2013 @ 11:55 pm
Is it the apathetic feeling of an empty and unfulfilled mind or is it the eagerness of a youth not fully realized which propels these thoughts of getting up and going - saying screw it all?

Debt, responsibility, civil life... I don't know. At this point it all seems a little on the ridiculous side. Work work work to die. Work work work for a 2 week break. Work work work for a sweater???

There is so much life to be lived and yet here I stand/sit/fester in a tomb of my own creation. Locked in the by mundane responsibilities I have created and surrounded myself with.
What is it going to take for me to get up and live my life? Inspiration surrounds me on all sides, the universe telling me to get up and go but I am trapped.

Swaddled in the "comforts" of life that I am told will bring me happiness. Swaddled in a "richness" others dream of. Buried.

What are comforts and what is richness when you are alone, bitter and resentful of all that you have. When all you crave is closeness with other beings. When what you seek is adventure and passion.

Get me out before i get myself out. Because you stupid fuck you have ruined something inside of me that was starting to heal. You took it away and now all I am left with are these thoughts of inadequacy, loneliness and a certain level of firm apathy for it all. Doubting my strength and shaking my inner equilibrium just enough to make me scared of that ledge. Scared that I wont be able to stop myself from falling off into the unknown darkness.

To be Dean, to be Sal, to have that abandon, freedom and disregard for the expectation to the norm. To get out there on that road of life and take the good with the bad and truly live. That is where it is at. To take back what was yours so firmly you feel the juices running. That is what life is.

Give me the strength.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
31 July 2013 @ 12:34 am
I need help. So sad.
08 May 2013 @ 10:36 pm
At some point you have to stop caring what people think and just do it for you.

Live freely
Love often
And DO NOT be afraid to look silly.
16 April 2013 @ 10:05 pm
The world shifts below my feet. A constant reminder that nothing in life is truly solid and that at a moments notice everything can be turned on end.

One of the most conflicting feelings in the world is wanting someone to be happy and move on with their life while simultaneously also wondering what about you was defective that they didn't want you?

I have been blissfully happy before, i know I have, i just forget. And love and spring are in the air for everyone around me and I can't help but feel like a stick in a mire of a bog. Surrounded by all things beautiful and loving but only able to see it from afar. I crave that feeling of closeness and love. Being adored and comfortable.

I miss feeling important.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
20 January 2013 @ 11:34 pm
And now it is all falling apart. Time to get my shit in order

Posted via m.livejournal.com.